Chapter 15: Teacher Huang: Tonight, I'll Drive Them to the Hospital! [Requesting Votes]

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The director was genuinely afraid that Mr. Huang might do something outrageous, so he kept holding onto him, refusing to let him go anywhere. Meanwhile, the Mushroom House crew gathered in front of the cameras, tasked with closely watching the delirious Li Changfeng and Wu Qian to prevent them from losing control again.

The urgent ringing of the phone echoed yet again, its frequency making it hard to tell which time it was. The director even ignored the cameras and pressed the answer button.

“You bastard, hurry up and help me find my husband!” a woman’s angry shout came from the other end.

The director was dumbfounded: “No, ma’am, who are you? If you want to find a husband, try the next show, ‘Don’t Disturb,’ we don’t handle that here.”

“Ma…ma’am? It’s Sun Li!”

The director suddenly slapped his thigh, realizing that Brother Chao was still lost in the mountains without supervision. He hurriedly said, “Ah, Sister Li, the situation is just too chaotic. I didn’t even recognize your voice earlier, sorry, sorry. I’ll immediately send more people to help find your husband!”

Sun Li was speechless for a moment. Why did her words strike such a nerve?

Though her embarrassing husband had caused her to lose face all over the internet, she knew that Deng Chao’s baffling behavior was due to hallucinations from eating poisonous mushrooms. Plus, the fact that he had gone running naked into the mountains made her realize the urgency. She kept urging the director to find her husband as soon as possible.

The director truly wanted to send more staff to help search in the mountains, but Wu Qian and Li Changfeng had inexplicably gone mad again. The crew was too small to spare anyone, so he reluctantly entrusted the chaotic scene to the younger members, then went to the pigpen to help two producers out of trouble. After leaving Chi Chi in the courtyard with two other idols who were also losing their minds, he grabbed two assistants, switched on flashlights, and hurried into the mountains.

“Brother Chao! Come back…”

“Brother Chao! Come back…”

“Brother Chao! Hurry back…”

Sun Li listened behind the screen, feeling utterly helpless. She glanced at her assistant: “Are they calling out to spirits or what?”

“Sis, don’t mind how they call him. It’s already dark, the mountains are pitch black, and it’s freezing. If Brother Chao’s lucky, he’s just wandering nearby and might catch a cold. If not, who knows—he could encounter wild beasts or fall into a pit…”

The assistant’s face was full of worry.

Sun Li’s heart instantly sank. She clasped her hands in prayer: “Heaven, please protect my husband. He absolutely cannot be harmed!”

…

Meanwhile,

The live chat in the Kiwi streaming room was nonstop, flooding the screen.

“This episode of Mushroom House is truly a gathering of fierce warriors and heroes!”

“If you long for the big stage, come join when there’s a job!”

“Doing other variety shows makes money, but Mushroom House’s appearance fees aren’t even enough to cover a stomach pump!”

“Stomach pumps are small matter; reputation is the big deal. If a popular idol eats a mouthful of that hellish stewed intestine, which luxury brand would still want him as their ambassador?”

“Small-minded, narrow view. Gold and silver are nothing but external possessions. Being alive in the hands of the Eastern Heretic Huang Yaoshi is already a great blessing.”

“Our Mushroom House has its own Five Generals!”

“General Lv Ming, Second General Wu Qian, Third General Li Changfeng, Fourth General Deng Chao, Fifth General Chen Chichi—the Five Generals under Northern Expedition Huang Yaoshi. What explosive program results!”

“Too bad General Lv Ming isn’t here, otherwise we’d have blitzed through today’s episode!”

“……”

At that moment, in the Mushroom House courtyard, Mr. Huang immediately spotted an old friend quietly sitting in the corner, watching.

Because the scene had been so chaotic before, everyone except Brother Chao had been focused on their own outbursts. The entire crew hadn’t noticed how Mr. He was doing. Now that things were under control, the battered and bruised Mr. Huang looked at his old friend quietly sitting alone, and the silent grievance welled up uncontrollably inside him.

Mr. Huang hurried over in three quick steps.

“Brother, brother, brother!”

Mr. He’s expression was blank.

Mr. Huang gripped Mr. He’s shoulder, voice choked: “You have to take my side.”

“I treated them well with food and drink, yet I was bitten and hit, and endured dozens of harsh slaps. Where’s the hospitality? This isn’t a meal, it’s a wrecking party!”

“I don’t want to live anymore, I have no face left!”

At this moment, Mr. Huang’s lament sounded like a bullied schoolboy telling his parents about his troubles at home.

Even the crew stared movedly at Mr. Huang’s tear-streaked face.

Mr. He’s previously dull expression gradually brightened as he listened quietly to Mr. Huang’s complaints for a while. When Mr. Huang ran out of words, he finally spoke:

“No matter how hard your life is, can it be worse than mine?”

Mr. Huang was puzzled: “What’s so hard about your life?”

“I have a friend, Mr. Huang, you know him?”

Mr. Huang: “???”

Isn’t that me?

Wait a moment.

He thought Mr. He was normal and hadn’t hallucinated earlier, so he poured out his grievances. Now it seemed he had been talking to a wall?

Mr. Huang was about to speak when Mr. He continued:

“The thing I worry about most every month is working with him!”

“On other shows, they don’t provide meals; sometimes you finish late at night and have to cook for yourself. But on Mushroom House, eating is part of the program…”

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Mr. Huang: “Then what’s there to worry about? Food and drink are provided, isn’t that great?”

“Great? Great my foot!” Mr. He was tearful and helpless. “Doing the show with him means starving many times over, and sometimes having to have a stomach pump!”

“Fans ask me why I’m so skinny in middle age, why I don’t gain weight. How could I tell them it’s because I starve on Mushroom House?”

“There are only 30 days in a month, but Mushroom House shoots for 21 days, and the amount of vomiting is more than the food I get. I’m just starving every day!”

Mr. Huang: “……”

He looked as if he had heard something unbelievable, eyes wide, trembling as he pointed at Mr. He.

His expression was exactly like a husband who just found out his wife was cheating.

Mr. He was unaware and sighed sincerely:

“Life is hard now. Money is hard to make!”

“Take that stewed green bean episode, we were live streaming, and Mr. Huang bit into an undercooked bean pod. When he said, ‘If the beans are old, who are you gonna complain to?’ I almost burst out laughing, despite decades as a host!”

“That was the first time I broke professional ethics, and also the time I was most grateful to Mr. Huang.”

“When shooting Mushroom House, he made me taste dishes 98 times. The one time he didn’t make me taste might have been the most poisonous dish ever!”

“After the incident that night, I was extremely thankful for his mercy!”

“I foolishly thought that after such a live broadcast accident, Mr. Huang would learn his lesson and have a clear awareness of his cooking skills.”

“But I didn’t expect that because I said a polite word in passing, Mr. Huang felt like he had unlocked his internal energy channels. Not only did he not learn from the ‘bean incident,’ he made things worse!”

“It wasn’t until recently that I realized he didn’t spare me out of kindness, but because he wanted to imprison me in Mushroom House and torment me day and night!”

“This is torture! Capital punishment!”

Mr. Huang: “……”

He collapsed to the ground with a thud, his back straightened for most of his life but finally gave out.

“Have you ever drunk rice gruel flavored like spicy pepper soup?”

“One beautiful morning, I woke up groggy and saw Mr. Huang hand me the brand’s vegetarian rice gruel.”

“I drank it without suspicion!”

“The moment the spicy pepper soup flavor hit my mouth, guess what my first thought was?”

Mr. Huang, weakly: “The taste didn’t suit you?”

“No!” Mr. He’s face turned fearful. “I thought, my taste buds are finally ruined!”

“Though I couldn’t accept this terrible outcome, I had expected such a fate given the long-term consumption of Mr. Huang’s dark culinary creations.”

Mr. Huang: “?!”

Looking at his friend’s sincere confession, Mr. Huang stared for a long time, wanting to speak but unable to say a word.

His already collapsed back bent even more.

“Have you eaten bitter beans?”

“A very niche kind of bean,” Mr. He recalled and explained. “The merchant told him they were for oil extraction only, but Mr. Huang insisted on showing off his unique insight, refused to listen, and used the oil beans to fry a dish of oil beans!”

“One bite—just one bite—and I thought about all the happiest moments of my life, none of which made me laugh.”

“That should have been the end of it.”

“But he then said a scientific blasphemy!”

“One bean tastes bitter, but if you eat a handful, it won’t taste bitter.”

“The guests didn’t respond, and as the host, following the principle of saving the scene, I ate it without hesitation. That was the closest I’ve come to the underworld since the ‘bean incident’!”

Mr. Huang: “……”

“Enough, please, I beg you, no more spicy stories!”

“No, I must say it! Mr. Huang isn’t here today, so I have to spill everything!”

“That yellow wine broth almost sent all the guests away!”

“Then there was that roast suckling pig, served half-raw.”

“And more…”

Mr. He rambled on for about five minutes.

By the end, Mr. Huang looked like he aged twenty years instantly, his wrinkles deepening before their eyes.

Mr. He summarized: “My friend, he pretends to know, loves to preach; can’t do well but loves to show off; not very capable, easily angered; not very famous, but flashy; not experienced, but picky!”

“In short, he’s a jack of all trades, master of none!”

Mr. Huang: “……”

His swollen face showed an unsettled expression; he remained silent for a long time.

After a while, the heartbroken Mr. Huang suddenly smiled, then leaned back, lying flat on the ground, eyes vacant, staring at the night sky.

At this moment, he looked like an old man on his last legs—his already broken back had finally snapped completely!

[6666!]

[Lies don’t hurt, the truth is the sharpest blade!]

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[No shouting, no heartbreaking cries, true despair is silent.]

[This slap has high artistic value!]

[I’m dying laughing! Every time Mr. He says something, Mr. Huang’s face falls a bit. Though it looks like no reaction, it’s actually full of feedback! Though it seems like no response, he’s responding all the time!]

[I used to be your lackey, but this time, I won’t join your laughter—He]

[No wonder he’s a host, even the comments sound like rhymes.]

[Real man, straight up classy!]

[Looking forward to Mr. He’s expression when he learns the truth after feeling relieved.]

[Mocking Mr. Huang right in front of him, this is great for the show!]

[I never expected Mushroom House to have not only Five Generals but also a top humanities scholar. The Five Generals destroy the body, the scholar destroys the soul. After this combo, Mr. Huang is ‘enjoying’ it!]

[So real life!]

[Oh no, this batch of netizens is too talented.]

[Are you trying to kill me with laughter?]

[Enjoy the laughs while you can. If one day even Mr. He stops praising Mr. Huang’s cooking, that probably means Mushroom House is really falling apart.]

[Huh?]

[…]

The onlookers were laughing so hard they were numb.

Amidst a chorus of sirens, an ambulance approached faster and soon arrived at the Mushroom House gate.

The medical staff who got out looked at the chaotic scene in surprise: “You again?”

“Yes, still us!”

“Quick, load them in. Oh, do you have ropes in your vehicle? You know, the kind used to tie people up.”

Doctor: “???”

The two nurses accompanying the vehicle looked wary.

This is an ambulance, not a kidnapping gang; where would we have ropes?

“These people hallucinated after eating mushrooms. If we don’t tie them up, I’m afraid they’ll cause trouble in the vehicle!” a crew member quickly explained, noticing the misunderstanding.

Doctor: “Your show is quite the adventure!”

While they were talking, a flashlight beam suddenly appeared from afar: “They’re here! Bring the clothes, Brother Chao has been found!”

Everyone turned to see the director and two producers carrying an unconscious Deng Chao. Brother Chao looked dazed, covered with scratches from mountain branches, bleeding. Most notably, he was holding two wild rabbits, one in each hand.

He was gripping the rabbits by the ears—they couldn’t move—and the rabbits looked at everyone with pleading eyes.

“Where did the wild rabbits come from?”

“Brother Chao caught them himself. When we arrived, he had poked a rabbit nest and was fighting a whole group of wild rabbits!”

Nurse: “……”

Crew: “……”

Fighting with wild rabbits? What a rare phrase!

But thinking of Brother Chao rushing into the mountains at midnight and catching two wild rabbits barehanded, their gaze was tinged with admiration.

Soon, the crew cooperated with the nurses to send the guests into the ambulance.

The breathless director immediately spotted Mr. Huang lying motionless on the ground, looking as if he had been like that for a while.

The director was startled and rushed over to check: “Mr. Huang, you’re not gone, right?”

Mr. Huang opened his eyes, glanced around, then closed them peacefully again.

Once assured he was alive, the director relaxed: “Mr. Huang, here, I’ll help you onto the ambulance!”

“Take them. I’m not going.”

“Mr. Huang, you look serious. You should get checked.”

“No, I’m afraid if I get in that vehicle, I won’t be able to resist grabbing the driver’s steering wheel and taking those bastards down with me!”

Director: “……”

“Mr. Huang, you really aren’t gone?”

“No!”

“Oh, didn’t expect you to be so tough at your age, still hard to beat.”

Mr. Huang: “!!!”

“Go tell the driver to have the medical staff rest here,” Mr. Huang suddenly jumped up like a carp flipping, eyes sharp: “Tonight, I’m driving them to the hospital!”

…